Introducing The Hot Stone Woman

As we celebrate Women's History Month, I am excited to introduce to you the story of Rizpah and the reason behind the name of the organization The Rizpah Group. When I discovered the story character Rizpah and learned her name means "hot stone" or "coal," something about the name inspired me to look more deeply at her story. The more I read the story of Rizpah, the more I desired to learn about her, and the more compelling I found her tale. And the thought entered my mind, "This is a Hot Stone Woman."

Rizpah (translated “hot stone”) is a Bible character. Therefore, one might assume that the focus and the services provided by the Rizpah Group are for Christians. However, I chose the story of Rizaph because the valuable life lessons learned are relevant to women of all beliefs, cultures, and backgrounds. The lessons learned from Rizpah transcend religious affiliation. To those who choose to avail themselves, the lessons of Rizpah’s story offer the opportunity to experience an increase in personal development. The Rizpah Group's mission is all about strengthening women of color and the relationships that matter the most to them.

The story of Rizpah highlights many of the issues central to feminism. It is in line with the focus, during Women’s History Month, on pausing and reflecting on issues and concerns that are central to women. Following the first wave of feminism in the 1970s, women have risen from their socially imposed roles. They have exercised their voice and worked to develop social and political power outside of the home. And although the image of the housewife is central to the portrayal of societal demands placed upon women, this, of course, was a different experience for women of color who often labored in the plantation fields alongside her male counterparts.

Historically, the experience of women of color often required them to work outside of the home. This was not a choice but a matter of economic survival. As a result of the struggle for equal rights by women of color, and because of the actions they have undertaken, women’s issues have advanced, and increased opportunities exist for women around the world. What we now have is this new type of woman: the Hot Stone Woman.

Just open any magazine or scroll through social media, and you will see an astounding number of women working hard at portraying the image of being able to do it all. Hot Stone Women are fixtures in the modern world. They are taskmasters, super planners, hostesses, loving partners, caring friends, nurturers, Supermoms, bosses, and every other role they need to fulfill. At the same time, the work hard at looking good and maintaining the appearance of "having it all together."

I am confident that many readers will recognize someone in their life that qualifies for the title, Hot Stone Woman. Perhaps a Hot Stone Woman raised you, or played an all-important role in your life, or was influential in your growth and personal development. This woman exemplified strength of character, determination, and an unwillingness to accept defeat. She was the role model that provided you with a pattern of womanhood. You may also see yourself as a Hot Stone Woman because you have overcome tremendous adversity.

There are cultural demands placed on a woman that expects her to be aware, intuitive, and ready to manage the unexpected challenges that happen in life. A woman recognized as successful in meeting this standard receives compliments, praise, and showers of admiration from others. In many regards, society has internalized these expectations. Hot Stone Women do not always accept the standard of measure determined by society and other outside influences. They find it challenging to settle for "just enough." They endeavor to attain excellence and do whatever it takes to be their best representation of themselves.

Nevertheless, it is frequently the case that behind the image the world sees, there is a woman battling fatigue, tears, and feelings of being overwhelmed. According to the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services Office on Women’s Health, anxiety disorders affect 1 out of 5 adults in the United States, and women are more than twice as likely as men to get an anxiety disorder in their lifetime. Women are also twice more likely to experience depressive symptoms than men.

The Making of a Hot Stone Woman

When examining hot stone women, there are some common characteristics. Many hot stone women report they have an overwhelming sense of duty and obligation, are driven by a pursuit of perfection, and are concerned about physical appearances, judgment, and negative critique of others. They are fueled by a strong desire to achieve, accomplish, and succeed. Conversely, hot stone women are frequently motivated to avoid notions of failure through an endless and exhausting cycle of work, service, and schedules, and obsessing over the never-ending “to-do” list. The Hot Stone Woman finds herself entwined by the identification of her achievements, which constitutes the foundation of one's self-worth.

When the Hot Stone Woman perceives everything from a negative paradigm, she views herself from her weaknesses and failings rather than from her points of strength. This mindset engenders an emotional and psychological environment where mistakes are amplified, become distorted, and there is an interpretation that your negative core beliefs are a genuinely valid commentary on their ability, effort, and value. She minimizes what she does that is positive, and amplifies what she does that is negative.

It is a common characteristic of the Hot Stone Women that the standards they set for themselves are exceedingly high, while the expectations they set for others are extremely low. They understand and tolerate the failures of others, but they don’t offer themselves the same understanding and tolerance when they experience failure. They may also internalize an ongoing dialogue that places demands upon themselves that far exceed the reality of time and energy required to complete these tasks.

Hot Stone Woman: Straighten your crown

As the Hot Stone Woman pursues the quest of having the dream life and does all that is within her power to bring that dream to fruition, it can take a toll on her mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Instead of slowing down and taking time to breathe, she often succumbs to the temptation to try harder and take on more. She dismisses the warning signs, takes a deep breath, and goes deep into her reservoir in search of even more strength to go forward. If she is unable to achieve success, this further compounds her negative self-image.

What causes additional harm to the Hot Stone Woman is the absence of self-care. Not prioritizing my own needs is the default position of many such women. They put everyone else first, provide for others, and leave themselves for last. Self-care is seen as a luxury, something you dream about, that you schedule if you have the time to do so. Unfortunately, there never seems to be adequate time. There is also the idea that self-care is synonymous with selfishness, and that giving care to yourself is wrong because you are depriving others.

Some might say, “Prioritizing yourself is depriving others, right?” Wrong!! If you don’t give self-care a priority in your life, you may one day reach the place where you have nothing to give to yourself or to others. Hot Stone Women often struggle to delegate and relinquish control over tasks. They have trouble asking for help. Doing so is seen as taboo and is an admittance of failure for who they are and what they can do.

The Path to Balance is Closer than you Imagined

Over time, you do nothing to change or slow down these expectations you place on yourself, and the pace in which you move, you will reach the place where you have feelings of burnout, apathy, and depression. In true Hot Stone Woman fashion, there will be some who work even harder to conceal these feelings from others, hold it all together, masking the fact that they are struggling to do what they believe they can do. Good is never good enough; it must always be best.

If you are a hot stone woman yourself, it can be helpful to consider what is absolutely necessary and what is merely a preference. For example, although you may prefer to bake a cake from scratch for your child's birthday; however, given the available time, resources, and your skill at this task, it might not be a realistic undertaking. It is somewhat liberating to make this distinction between necessity and preference as it allows women to modify expectations, ask for help, or simply let go.

Hot Stone Women Celebrate!

Take time to honor your achievements. This month of women’s history is an excellent opportunity to reflect on the advances that women around the world have made and see how you are helping in furthering those advancements. The Hot Stone Woman gets up every day and does the hard thing. She is resilient and seeks an opportunity, in the face of adversity, to make a difference. She is moved to care for herself, her family, and her community. She is firm on her core values and recognizes the power and influence it has on the decisions she makes. She is a woman. . . she is Rizpah . . . a Hot Stone Woman.!!!